Until TJ comes to visit me.

7 weeks.

We chatted earlier this weekend and that’s when he’s coming out here. Holy shit. I haven’t seen him in 4 years and I still have this stupid effing little girl crush on him. Actually, I’m convinced he’s the love of my life (refer to previous posts about him..).

I may be insane. I’m going a little goofy thinking about it. I even had an insane dream last night that we went to some vacation city together and got all icky gooey romantic and shit and I don’t have normal thoughts like that =/ It was bizarre. We spent all day just laying in bed on the beach (no idea) talking and bullshitting, and that’s actually what we do, but then we went out the bar and started getting ridiculous and shit, is this foreshadowing my future, my 7 weeks away future?

Shit.

Shit.

I’ve also put on 9 lbs in the last 21 months so from here on out I’m going back to myfitnesspal.com and logging everythign and hitting the gym hard, and by that I mean getting my ass to crossfit and the fitness place a few minutes away that has classes all day and running way more than I have been, that’s for sure.

Di and I were gonna do a 5k spontaneously so I ran 3 miles (for the first time in a while) and my pace was just under 10:00/mile sooo that’s unacceptable. College has made me a chunker! Ahahaha. Gym time. TJ time. Bring it summer!

I HAVE A PROBLEM.

I HAVE NOT HAD SEX IN 6 MONTHS.

WHY?

1. I’ve been crazy busy with school, overloading my schedule trying to graduate way sooner than expected (done!).

2. My friends live an hour away. Don’t get me wrong, I love this city, but almost all of my friends live an hour away so I don’t go out as much as I used to.

3. I also don’t have a full-time job and I have a habit of sleeping with my coworkers. Man I miss the scandalous days.

4. I’m a broke ass college kid. I don’t have the money to go out and do the things I used to. I’m not talking bars, I’m talking concerts, weekend adventures, mountain time, travelling. I’m missing it all!

SO, no sex. Besides online dating sites, I’m not sure how else to go about finding a fuck buddy if I’m not around people like I used to be. I mean yeah, I’ve got classmates, but eh, not what I’m looking for. I did have a thing for that one guy, but it faded. He’s a little bizarre.

BUT, REMEMBER THE SEX DREAM I MENTIONED? THE ONE THAT INVOLVED MY T.A.??

I have issues. I am so sex deprived that I am going crazy for my TA right now. No, I can’t blame it on my lack of sex. I AM JUST FUCKING CRAZY FOR MY TA. There is something so, so sexy about him. He’s a good looking guy, super intelligent, and his demeanor, shit, his demeanor gets me. He reminds me a lot of TJ. Their composures are so similar that it’s scary. And I’m drawn to that. I am extremely attracted to him in the craziest way. And you know what else? He’s 12 years older than me. He looks a lot younger, I think, but he’s so sexy. His demeanor plus his face and composure and his intelligence -I want him.

And I’m so sex deprived that I’m scared he can hear my dirty thoughts that constantly run through my mind when we’re in class.

He is one sexy hunk of man and I want to bang him bad. BAD.

I want to fuck my TA.

Just to reiterate.

Maybe I will.

I will pass on sexually harassing him until after he posts our final grades.

And then I will earn me some extra credit =O

I can procrastinate and write a blog post dedicated to all the “mother figures” I’ve had in my life.

My real mother, or ex-mother as I refer to her, is a piece of shit. We haven’t spoken in almost 10 years, wow time flies. The last time I saw her, I was a freshman in high school and my parents had been divorced about a year. We were supposed to go shopping for some nice clothes (ugh) for my band recital. She picked me up from school, went into a nearby grocery store, came back out and said the check my dad gave her bounced so she couldn’t buy me anything. She dropped me off at home, I called my dad and started yelling at him because the concert was the following night and I had no “nice clothes” to speak of and it counted towards my grade. He was fucking pissed, but not at me, at my ex-mother. He gave her $300 CASH to take me shopping and that bitch took the money and ran, but not before playing me like an idiot first.

Yes, that’s the mother I had. Took money for my clothes and bought crack with it. There’s a damn good reason my dad divorced that cunt. $300 was nothing compared to what she stole from him before they were divorced. But hey, we learned our lesson. She was useless to me and I never spoke to her again. My dad gave my aunt and grandmas money to take my sister and I shopping or to do things mothers are supposed to do with you.

Anyways, the back story to that divorce is crazy because my ex-mother is a crazy alcoholic crackhead bitch, so here’s a post dedicated to the GOOD females in my life.

I’ll start with my tiny little family first:

1. My Grama Claire

The mother of my psychotic ex-mother. Lived right next door to me til I was 18. Always there for me. Silly chubby grama. Hilarious when drunk. Insists I take her to White Castle. And blames salt for being fat. A little uneducated and gullible, but nonetheless my grama.

2. My Grama Ruth

The adorable mother of my dad. “They don’t make ‘em like that anymore,” is how my dad and aunt describe her and it’s the truth. She’s loving and sweet and a goodhearted woman through and through. And almost 88.

3. My Aunt Laurie

The sister of my dad. She’s my only aunt and I’m totally ok with that. Because she rocks. She’s doesn’t have any kids of her own so she’s always spoiled us at Christmas and for our birthdays. She’s always there for the three of us, too, always.

And those that are basically family:

4. Nancy

I’ve known her since I was born. A friend of my Grama Claire’s who has provided me with all the memories of doing “stuff” before I was 6. Seriously, anything fun I remember doing with her or my dad, because my ex-mother was a lazy ass. And even though she moved 2,000 miles away, I still go see her at least once a year and she is still awesome to me.

5. Mama Donna

A life-long neighbor and second mother to me. She was friends with my ex-mother and her daughter was my age so we grew up together (I refer to her as my ‘dumb friend’ because she’s an effing idiot). But, as dumb as her kid is, she’s also always been there for me. I remember sleepovers at her house and the way she made macaroni and cheese way better than my ex-mother. I still stop and see her every time I go to my dad’s because she’s awesome and has always cared about me.

6. My BFF’s mom Jill

Treats me like one of her own, even though she has 6 of those already! She’s an amazing mother to my BFF and all her siblings and her dad and all the pets in the crazy house. She runs an insane house and survives and has enough time to send me cards with $20 every once in a while and she never fails to text me dirty jokes and “hey skank!”

7. My Greek Mom Litza

Took me in “under her wing” when I was a senior in high school. She realized I wasn’t just another dumb teenager but in fact had a brain, despite my crazy bum appearance. She ended up hiring me and inviting me to Greece to hang out with her for a while when she was there visiting family. That was the first time I went to Europe and she opened the door for me there. I had an amazing time and guess what? She is still there for me. Emails and phone calls and visits when I go back to my dad. She is one awesome person for just believing in me like that.

8. My Aunt Cathy 

She’s not really my aunt because my family lineage is crazy, but she’s my cousin’s mom and she’s awesome. I remember hanging out with her and my cousin when I was younger and always thinking she was pretty kick ass. We’re not super close but she is also always there for me when I am home. She’s a bartender so she totally hooks me up :) But she’s also a great “aunt” and basically, she’s awesome just like the other 7 women I’ve mentioned.

Now, that’s 8 awesome chicks right there. 8! Not 1, but 8! So when people show pity when I say I don’t have a “mom” I tell them it’s okay because I’ve got 8. 8 people that have been good to me my entire life or since I’ve known them. So, suck it Mother’s Day. =)

‘Twill be a random one. Is twill a word? Hm.. Been thinking about a bunch of random shit lately so here goes.

1. The gay marriage shebacle. Yes, everyone has heard that certain states (yes, you NC!..) are being assholes and our president is actually doing some good by standing up for gay marriage, but I’m pissed the fuck off AT THOSE THAT OPPOSE GAY MARRIAGE FOR RELIGIOUS REASONS. I fucking hate religion. I am an atheist for a reason. I believe morals and doing good are good enough for people to live by. I don’t need some old ass stories about jebus in some old ass book to tell me how to live my life and what to believe so it pisses me the fuck off when religious people oppose gay marriage. It’s just so frustrating. SO, so frustrating. I know not everyone is going to be for gay marriage and people are free to feel however they’d like but in my opinion those with views solely based on some religious crap about same-sex marriage can go fuck themselves.

2. Speaking of same-sex relationships, my friend and I were talking about her new girlfriend today and I had this fucking epiphany. A fucking hilarious one. She was even cracking up. She was bitching about having cramps and being bloated and the first thing I though of was “wow that sucks. No sex for you.” And then I put 2 and 2 together and realized that is her and her girlfriend’s cycles don’t sync then half the time they’re together one of them is going to be pms-ing lmao. Think about it -she’s out week 1, gf is out week 2, then they’re good for 2 weeks then she starts again. I was flipping out at this epiphany and said I’m sorry your sex lives get so interrupted so much and she was just cracking up and said, “You’re a fucking idiot but I love you.” Hahe, I really am. But hey, maybe her wedding will be the first gay wedding I attend so yeah, go fuck yourselves you religious zealots!

3. I cried Monday night because I’m out of town and my roommate called freaking out and said she was taking my bunny to the vet because he was acting really funny (I’ve been gone over a week now so I didn’t notice anything). A few hours later the vet was on the phone with me explaining why she thinks I should let her put my bunny to sleep. Even with $1,000 worth of treatment, he would only have a 20% survival rate, and that’s if he survived for the 2 days. =( I cried like a baby. And just the day before that I was explaining that I wasn’t a crier to all my coworkers who were getting all teary-eyed when one of our managers gave his farewell speech. He started crying and everyone loves him, including me, so a lot of the chicks were crying and I just told him that he’ll kick ass in the new city. Some dudes questioned why I wasn’t crying so I told them to go fuck themselves lol. There are sadder things in life than saying goodbye for now, like putting your pets to sleep. ;(

4. I am tired all the time. I took a serious look at how my life has been the last two years and there is something wrong with me. I’m going to the doctor soon to have a few blood tests done. There is something wrong with me. I am not a hypochondriac but I don’t feel like myself. I used to have a ton of energy and feel great after 6 hours of sleep and now I yawn all day. My eyes weigh a ton all the time. It fucking sucks.

5. I love maps.. will continue later.

Crazy shit.

I decided that after I graduate from this here fancy university, I’m getting the fuck out of this city. It’s been fun, but I’m going stir crazy. Can you “go” stir crazy? Getting stir crazy? Am stir crazy?

I put my condo up for sale this week. I’ve already got an offer, and a full-price one at that. I’m holding off on accepting it until after my open house tomorrow, but seriously!? Did that just fucking happen?

I didn’t think it would go so fast and I sure as hell didn’t think I’d get full asking price. Which I am regretting now because even with a full-price offer, I’m going a few thousand in the hole. BUT, I didn’t expect to move so soon and I sure as hell didn’t think I would make anything anyways. BUT I might. BUT whatever, we’ll see.

The other thing that sucks is the fact I don’t graduate until August sooo where the fuck am I going to go if I do end up closing soon? No idea. And there’s Di, too. She needs a place until the end of July so I’m going to feel really bad about booting her, although she’s reassured me it’s ok, she’ll find a place, even if it sucks it’s only for a few months. Then she’s off to the east coast herself.

As for me, I’m not sure where I will go after graduation. If I get a job. If not, I know exactly where I’m going: back to the dad’s. I have no one else I can possible mooch off of lol.

I just don’t know. Can I curl up in a ball and not make these adult decisions!??

This offer. That offer. Counter offer. Wait and see. Wait wait wait. Maybe gotta move. The week before finals. Temporarily. Fuck fuck fuck. Fam was gonna come out for graduation. Fuck Fuck Fuck. TJ.

TJ TJ TJ TJ TJ TJ. Was supposed to come this summer. Where the fuck will I be this summer? I don’t know. So now it’s not a fo sho that I will see TJ.

Dammit.

Why the fuck did I have to decide to sell my place? Why the fuck did someone put an offer in? And the other person? And now we’re playing this stupid game of a fake bidding war. Can I just curl up in a ball, seriously.

I am fucking ADDICTED to Draw Something.

WHY? Not because I get to draw shit at my friends.

No. It’s because I get to draw shit at random people.

And by shit I mean large-testicled penises. 2 circles + line = penis.

Random people get penises. Green, Red, Black, Purple, and whatever other colors I’ve earned myself.

I am officially entertained.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

My favorite part about Draw Something is watching morons FAIL and FAIL miserably.

For example, I drew an Asian dude chopping someones neck (totally stereotyped, sorry! I heart Asia!).

Randomer guessed: 1) NYNGA then 2) NYNJA then 3) NINGA and finally 4) NINJA.

DING DING DING DING!!!! Congrats dumbass!

Now, granted not everyone is a native English speaker, but I’m guessing “MIKE” was.

Then some other dumbass:

1) PEECOCK   2) PECOCKE   3) PE..   4) PEECOKE   5) PEACOCK!

I was fucking dying watching this. Holy fuck. Hilarious. PEECOCK? No, I did not draw you one of my colorful penises urinating, just a colorful birdy bird.

These people get giant penises in return. If you think my amazing peacock looks like a peecock, then I think “elevator” looks like a giant DICK. And “android” looks like a DICK with lime green balls. And “unicorn,” well that DICK was shootin’ fucking rainbows!! AIDS rainbow ahhhhh! Run!!

If nothing else, the world’s retards provide the rest of us with entertainment. And a reason to draw colorful penises.

One of my old friends Andy moved back to town this last month. We hung out last night.

He’s a very theological person and about 3 years ago he had a revelation and found his god again. He’s still the same quirky, cute, dorky, flirty, funny dude he’s always been, except now, well as of 3 years ago, he stopped sleeping around and being the “douche bag” he’s convinced he was.

I never thought he was a douche bag. He was never that asshole who told lies to get in girls’ pants. He defined himself as “the worst type of douche bag”: the guy who tells the truth about only wanting sex and gets it because girls are a little thrown off by it and decide sex it is!

But Andy, oh Andy.. so silly. We were good friends back in the day. In fact, he was around when I had a thing for TJ (love of my life). We were both scandalous and I think that’s how we became good friends, talking about the people we were banging. Yep that was it.

We went out last night, had a few beers. Caught up. Talked about the past and present and future and everything. Funniest thing about our past, Andy was the first guy I banged in a public place! HA! It makes me laugh. Looking back, it was a fucking hilarious night. And it happened because TJ rejected me! Andy and I came up with a plan to get TJ out, get him drunk, get some info, get a feel for what was up, and we did all that, and then he went home! I’ll never forget being drunk, sitting cuddled up with Andy in his papasan chair, calling TJ one last time, somewhere around midnight. No answer. I was leaving the next day for good, like I said in my previous post, or the one before that, I don’t remember, the drive-bye time.

Andy has been a good friend. We’ve seen each other a few times in the last few years after working together for a year about 5 years ago. It’s crazy how things work out. But sometimes, it’s the weirdest thing.

Andy and I are not attracted to each other but back when we first met, we were the same person. Kind of sleeping around. Kind of drinking a lot. Kind of having the time of our lives. That’s why we got along so well. That’s why we became good friends and stayed friends. That’s why we’re still friends. It’s crazy.

But last night on our way home, he was giving me his theological spiel on his life changes and it’s interesting shit getting someone’s outlook who does things because he loves his god and believes the right girl for him is the girl who also loves his god and wants to have a meaningful relationship. It sounds fucking nuts to me because I’m an atheist, but like I’ve said before, I respect other people’s views and beliefs and Andy, being one of my best friends, I listen and I analyze and I respect.

It’s cool, his new outlook. I can respect that. Just like he respects the fact that my outlook hasn’t really changed. I’m still doing the same thing I did when he met me 5 years ago.

And he noticed I’m still giddy over TJ. I told him Tj was coming to visit in a few months and he saw it in my face instantaneously.

I think it’s time I told Andy about my biggest secret involving my outlook on life. I’ve never told anyone, not even my best friend in the whole wide world. Not even this stupid fucking blog. It has to do with TJ and it freaks me the fuck out. But Andy is Andy, and he knew both TJ and pretty well. And he’s very insightful and he has faith in humanity so it may be nice to get his take on things instead of listening to my pessimistic logic. Maybe he’ll knock some reality into me or maybe he’ll tell me what I need to hear regarding this stupid secret that freaks me the fuck out. Fuck. Fuck. The fuck out.

And I believe Andy is the one I should tell because last night, it’s the weirdest thing, while he was telling me about everything he said, “I love you” in the story. Not to me or anyone in particular, but it was just part of the story. But sometimes, it’s the weirdest thing. Even though he didn’t say it to me, it actually felt.. nice. I love Andy, as a friend, nothing more but just hearing it from someone other than my chick friends or family, it was different. It’s been a while. The last time I actually dated someone before I got smart, grew the fuck up and let logic take over, yeah it’s been a while. And it’s fucking weird how that felt. I felt different this morning.

My mind was racing. I was thinking about TJ. We were texting last night both while I was hanging out with Andy and after he dropped me off at home. I think about him way too much. I thought about everything Andy said that night. I just keep thinking. I compare out two outlooks and how his has changed considerably and how mine has changed.. not so much.

I don’t know. I’ll prob talk to TJ later this week.

I had a “life talk” with the love of my life. I’m pretty sure I defined “life talk” in one of the posts way back when, but it was a good one. It has made me way, way too excited to see him this summer. I’m also crazily nervous and anxious now. Why? Because. Because we had one of our life talks and it involved the normal life talks things like school, work, and sports. But, for the first time in 2 years probably, we talked about marriage and those kinds of things. NOT between us or anything, but in general. How our parents are putting the pressure on but neither one of us wants to “settle down,” those kinds of marriage related things. And we decided we’re getting old after he pointed out we hadn’t seen each other in 4 years. 4 years. It doesn’t feel like 4 years, but it has been 3 years and 11 months and by the time I see him, it will be 4 years and 2 months.

Creepy of me to know the exact date when I saw him last? No. I have to have these dates memorized for money’s sake because when the military moves you to the other side of the country, you better know every fucking detail of your trip if you want to get paid correctly. Finance offices aren’t worth shit! I have every date of every move and ever TDY engrained in my brain, not just the move when I saw him last.

But I do remember it like yesterday =/ It will be included in the next post of the love of my life string… He was working so I stopped by on his lunch to say hey and it turned into our goodbye. A lot of people were moving at the time so we started doing these farewell “drive-byes” lol. All your friends would gather outside your house and say their goodbyes and wave when you drove away and left for good. It sounds cheesey as all hell, but we were a tight knit group. I thought TJ was coming to mine but then he said he couldn’t because he had so much work to do. It was pretty devastating in my 21 year old mind, but I understood. He didn’t really know the rest of my friends because I met them outside of work. So we chatted in the parking lot outside our old work building, hugged, said our goodbyes, and left.

Sounds simple enough, but it wasn’t. I wasn’t expecting that would be the last time I would see him in who knows how long. I freaked out. I had shit to do and I was still in uniform to do my final shit but I drove off post as fast as I could because I was balling. Like a big fat baby. As soon as I put my car in drive I just broke down. It was horrible. I never did anything like that before. I really had a lot of shit to do that day so I drove to some gas station and filled up, tried to collect myself, and went back to finish everything before I took off that evening.

A few hours later when I was at home packing up the last of my shit, my roommate came home to me all teary-eyed and puffy-faced. She had never seen me like that and we lived together for a year and a half. She just gave me a hug and a little smile. She was amazing. I didn’t tell her I was mostly upset about TJ so I pretended it was the moving that was getting to me.

When it came time for my drive-bye, ten or fifteen of my friends were waiting outside my building, but no TJ. I am convinced I saw him though. In the wooded area behind my building, there was a bike/walking path that went behind our complex and out to the main road. I am positive I saw him walking by when I was carrying the last of my boxes out. It sounds desperate, but I know his walk and stature and I know he wasn’t working still because I left about 3 hours later than planned because I’m a poke and didn’t really wanna leave.

I plan on asking him about that when he visits. I really do. I’ve always wondered even though I’m positive he was walking by to see if I was gone yet.

I did the good bye thing with everyone and finally drove off on my first cross-country adventure. I didn’t cry. I don’t remember anything about the drive until I was about 2 hours in. I think I zoned back in and reality hit that I was never going back. I passed a giant lake, then it got dark, and I was exhausted but I was determined to drive as far as I could that night. And I did. I nearly ran off the road a few times.. not the best idea in the world, but I needed to get far away so I wasn’t tempted to even think about turning back because that would be stupid and get me in a shitload of trouble.

Anyway, I gotta do the whole story with this one eventually. Fuck. It’s long.

OH, last night I talked to TJ AND THEN

HAD THIS CRAZY HOT SEX DREAM ABOUT ONE OF MY TAs.

Why? Two of my friends in the last two days have told me about the hot sex they’re having with their exes. WTF? I am deprived in this city and my exes have moved to other states. Why friends? Why must you tease me? Why TA that I will see in 4 hours, why are you so god damn sexy!?

That “love of my life” thread I started a while back, yeah, gotsta get going on that one. Why?

There is a very high chance that we will be in my city for training later this summer.

Fuck. Yeah.

1. Uppin it up. Run 6x/wee.

2. Finish the blogness about us.

3. Figure out how to keep myself sane until then.

I am way, way too excited about this. A short convo and baym! I’m fucking ecstatic. Sittin’ here with an overactive bouncing knee/foot/kneelegwhatever. 

It’s been 4 years since I’ve seen the motherfucker. It’s about damn time! =D

KEEP ON PROTESTING! DON’T LET YOUR GOVERNMENT PULL THIS BULLSHIT MOVE AND JACK UP YOUR TUITION!

Tis bullsheet, I say!

When I couchsurfed in Montreal, my hosts were from Ontario and Alberta but chose to go to college in Montreal 1. because it’s awesome and way cheaper than Vancouver and 2. because the tuition is the cheapest in the country, especially if you have Quebec residency.

One of my hosts had just graduated and was working full-time in Montreal for a year to get her residency for grad school. If all went as planned, she’s in grad school right now paying resident tuition. Dude-host was doing the artsy-film school thing in Montreal for both of the reasons listed above. I wouldn’t be surprised if both of them have taken part in the mass protesting because seriously, why the fuck does the government have to go and ruin part of Quebec’s awesomeness!!? I had no idea Quebec’s tuition was so low until chick-host explained it all to me and I thought that was fucking awesome! Tuition to most schools in the U.S. is outrageous, especially as an out-of-state student, and especially x2 if you’re an international student, which is why she opted out of heading south of the border for college.

SO FUCK YOU QUEBECKYWACKY GOVERNMENT. How dare ye raise tuition! Who the fuck are you trying to be? THE UNITED STATES!? (ha!)

=P

I’ve mentioned before I neither believe in marriage nor religion. Well here’s a great example why I think marriage is a sham and should be illegal! Gah.

So I have this sometimes full-time job and for the next 2 weeks I’m back on full-time status. One of my co-workers, Sam, is awesome. I’ve known here for 3 years now and she’s been through a lot with her now husband.

They met while he was on leave from the army. Fell for each other instantly. They spent the next 2 years dating, most of it long-distance, some of it not-so-long distance because she moved near him for a temp job but then came back when her contract was up.

Then they got married and the plan was for him to move HERE as soon as he got out of the Army since his enlistment was almost up. Then they decided to buy a house HERE. Then he VOLUNTEERED for one last deployment to Iraq, which extended his enlistment by a year. Liz is prior Army and understood he wanted to go and felt it was his duty to his troops. She was upset of course and stressed to the max trying to close on this house via 7 different types of Power of Attorneys! I was full-time when she was going through that mess and I helped as much as I could since I had just done through that myself, although I didn’t have to worry about POA shit.

So, he goes to Iraq for 9 months and 2 months after he comes back is his date of separation when he can move out HERE for good, finally. While in Iraq, he gets selected for promotion. It’s a BIG promotion BUT, it would require him to spend almost 2 years at this really shitty base and then 2 more years anywhere in the Army, wherever they decide to send him. He doesn’t automatically turn it down because he has a few months before he has to decide. Sam was pissed because he was supposed to move HERE. Move into THEIR house.

This was a few months ago.

Today, he told her he took the promotion.

That’s 4 more years he’ll be away from her because she already told him she’s not going with. Her entire family is here. She has a great job and the places he’s going are shit holes.

I don’t fucking get it. They got married for a reason. Sam is amazing and trusted this guy. And today, he chose the Army over her. This is a slight problem.

She’s pist but since they got married a year ago, they’re married and no decision they make will be easy. Who knows what’s going to happen to them now =( I really feel for Sam. She doesn’t deserve this and because I was there when he first told her about this possible promotion and I was there when we were both like “fuck no, he better not take it,” I’m beyond pist for her.

I can’t imagine what she’s going through. If I’m pist and I’ve never met this guy and she’s married to him, I don’t know how she wasn’t balling or throwing shit today at work. This is just unbelievable. And they’re not teenage immature people getting married for the hell of it. They’re grown ass people with responsibilities and this dude has just blown off his number one responsibility, being there for his WIFE.

WTF?

TRUST: There are a handful of people I would trust my life with -my dad, brother, aunt, best friend, other aunt, grandma and second best friend.

That’s it. I will never trust my significant other with my life because 1) I’ve seen too many horrible marriages and no good ones and 2) because of this I won’t ever have a significant other anyways.

I have hope for people, I do. I never wish anything bad upon anyone’s marriage and I never question the trust they have in each other but I know that I will never truly trust anyone the way spouses tend to do. I just can’t.

I’ve seen some really shady marriages. I’ve seen cheating wives, cheating husbands, cheating wives and husbands that catch gonorrhea and can’t fight about it because they’re not sure who got it form whoever they’re cheating on because they both know they’re cheating (clear as mud?), theft, abuse, you name it, I’ve seen it in a marriage.

You know what I haven’t seen? True happiness. Two people that are genuinely dedicated to each other. I have faith that one day I will witness a successful, functioning marriage in some couple I meet but I still do not believe in marriage. It’s unnatural. And fucking disastrous.

And what I witnessed today has done nothing more than assure me I’m making the right decision by abstaining from marriage or trusting a significant other.

People waste so much of their lives trying to find the right person then trying to make that person happy and then wasting time doing shit for them, including turning themselves into baby making factories (females only, obviously). I don’t get it.

I consider myself a generally happy person. I know I bitch about being unhappy in college, but when I’m away from school, like working full-time right now, I am ecstatic. And I know when I graduate in a few months, I will be happier than I’ve been in a long time.

But the point is, I don’t live my life for someone else. I don’t waste my time trying to find someone to make me happy or complete my life. I am happy. If I happen to meet some dude that complements my life and only adds to my hapinness, fanfuckingtastic. If not, that’s way okay too. I’m a confident person and I always have been. In general, I don’t give a fuck about what people think of me and I sure as hell (cue: ghetto fabulous accent!) don’t need a man to feel adequate or important or pretty or smart or awesome. It’s sad some girls do because they can’t see how amazing they are. I don’t. I’m thankful for that.

I’ve got places to go, people to meet, and shit to do.

My motto -a variation of a phrase my dad used to say when his day was packed with work related bullshit.

I don’t have the time or the motivation to play “Where’s Waldo?” all in the name of landing myself a husband. That’s fucking pointless. I don’t need someone to be there when I get home, or however you want to phrase it. (In the oh so genius words of Kelly Clarkson: Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.)

Fuck marriage.

One of my favorite stupid internet pictures